2.0

I am typing this document on my beloved new MacBook Pro as I was reading the account of some IITB graduate with his PhD at MIT. I have been procrastinating for a long time now almost wasting my summers (did nothing productive) always telling myself that “This time I’ll definitely find an answer to what I like doing or what subject I like studying by surfing the internet and self-introspection.” I have literally no clue what to do next after having spent three wonderful days in Jaipur as my vacation approaches an end. What I want in the third semester for myself is to be non-competitive. What I exactly mean by this is that I don't want to waste my time comparing myself to others and poking my nose over what everybody else is doing. I just want to remain busy with myself, constantly improving and trying to hit to the next level of expertise in any field as long as I enjoy doing that work. I just want to fucking forget about my performance in the second semester as that never lets me work hard enough. Whenever I recall the figure ‘9.18’, satisfaction pours in and the inspiration to hit to the next level somewhat fades away. I never want to be satisfied; for that is very dangerous and hampers growth. I want to make mistakes, learn from them but want to be focussed and to be in my senses; knowing what am I doing and why I am doing whatever I’m doing.

I want to be sharp between the ears; always knowing my purpose. A good pointer is not what I’m after; for it fills one with a bloated sense of pride and a false feeling of knowing things. I want to seriously learn things; want to expand my knowledge base and want to deal with intellectually challenging stuff. I just want to be fully engrossed in ‘building myself’. I just read a beautiful line by an American novelist Kurt Vonnegut, “There are three important life experiences everyone must have: Food, Sex and Becoming”. 

I want to be driven. Driven by a vision. I want to be self-conscious of the fact that whatever I decide to do; it is not entirely an option which I choose as per my comfort or liking; but there is a higher purpose for which I’ll do/decide what I’ll do/decide. I don’t like to sit back, wasting my utterly precious time in the summers and then start the semester and trying to get good grades if not anything else; and filling myself with a false sense of fulfilment after getting decent grades; in the process of which, deep inside me I know, I’ve learnt nothing (not nothing but you know what I mean! ). I am majorly influenced by Mahabharata and the incident which has had a great impact on me is the conversation between Arjuna and Krishna at the Kurukshetra battlefield as Arjuna stands besides Krishna, perplexed and confused, seeking divine knowledge on what really his ‘Karma’ instructs/demands him to do. Krishna then tells him to be free of any worry of what the result will be as the result is not in his hands but to continue doing his karma as ‘Karma is a reward in itself’. Karma is pure. He gives him his own example that he could have had anything he liked in the three worlds to his command and yet he sits beside Arjuna on the chariot doing his 'karma'. Krishna is not driven by some material gain; but is still doing his karma as everyone should be doing.

I learnt that I should be doing what I love, not running after materialistic things. Karma is truth, everything else is just a social construct. I want to be in a constant state of trance; not seemingly seeing anything apart from that goal of self-improvisation. I want to be like Arjuna; want to see only the eye of the bird and not a thing more. Arjuna is a symbol of focus, hard-work, passion, self-belief and confidence. 

Karna always wondered why couldn’t he beat Arjuna whenever they met in the battlefield. The answer is, because Karna wanted to be better than Arjuna (Arjuna se sreshtha) but Arjuna wanted to be better than anyone could ever be (Sarva-shreshtha). Whatever the result be; the soul is filled with satisfaction if the effort is true and the intentions are clear.

What is ‘Happiness’ ?

Happiness is just a choice. A person can be happy in even the darkest of times. The most popularly conceived definition of ‘happiness’ is that the greater wealth you possess, the happier you are. You can only gain greed and not happiness by following this definition. I will prefer doing the work I love and be happy than doing a 9-5 job in some VC firm crunching numbers all day and feeling unsatisfied.

Urrgh! Got swayed again. I was introspecting about my interests and here I sit writing some philosophical jargon.